... a musician?... Am I?

 Lately I've been following a lot of vlogs about musicians who have made it in the performance scene.  I'm especially enamored with @katieflute ... not just because Katie is my favorite name (long story), but because holy cow she plays beautifully and her sense of humor and musicianship keeps me going when I feel like everything is falling apart.

I used to be pretty good at flute.  Within the top 5 of the studio at the Crane School of Music between 1998-2002.  When I practiced/played 6+ hours a day, my technique blossomed and my musicianship grew.

 

MUSICIANSHIP.

 

Mr. Andrews (Ken Andrews = AMAZING musician!) always said that the ultimate compliment to someone is that they are "a musician."  It implies more than flute, more than music theory, more than teaching, everything.  In a school that cranked out music teachers (case in point), he seemed to be an anomaly.  Ken, if you're reading this, I owe you so much.  I'll write you a musical love letter someday.

 

a MUSICIAN.

 

 Am I?  I've watched @katieflute 's  vlogs about what it's really like to be a professional flutist in NYC... holy cow how cool would that be??? I used to dream about being in NYC as a pit musician on Broadway, and I still ADORE playing in pit orchestras for community theatre.  There's a particular local conductor who "uses" me for that all the time, and she adds so much beauty to my life because of it.

Regardless: @katieflute (sorry if I'm fangirl-ing on you!) shows how much practice, how much study, how much thought goes into every single piece that she plays.  I was never half that as a musician, except for 2 pieces: Serenade for Flute, Harp, and Strings by Howard Hanson, and Sonata for Flute and Piano by Paul Hindemith.  I can honestly and unequivocally say that I own(ed) those two pieces.

Here's what stopped me from continuing playing lots and lots (and it's simple): my brain.  I got out of music school, and the desire to do the long tones, scales, the Andrewsian-extended-warmup (90 minutes of hell but was amazing for every aspect of your playing!), the finding a pianist to work with (we will talk about my best friend later), and the inability to discipline myself to work on my own, and the exhaustion that comes with teaching in a school.

Plus (sorry kids), I chose music ed as my major in grad school, and it was the biggest musical mistake I made.  It was all educational theory and nothing about musicianship.  Granted I made some amazing friends and learned a LOT, but I can count the times I actually picked up my flute for class with 1 hand.  Most of it proved useless in my real-word teaching, even though I will never forget Dr. M and so many others.

But does that time away make me less of a musician?

Another fly in the ointment has shown itself in the last year or two: essential tremors.  It's not Parkinson's Disease, it's not anything deadly, it's not too much coffee.  I just shake, especially when I try to do something that involves extremely fine motor skills.  Forget the Burton Sonatina (a favorite!) or Muczynski's and Martinu's sonatas.  When I tried to play them, my hands shook so that my poor flute almost fell out of my hands.  And it was heartbreaking.

But again: can I really be regarded as an actual MUSICIAN when I can barely show a student how to move their fingers, regardless of instrument?  (Let's also not talk about my face and high brass...)  Also note that I teach general music K-12 in a situation that will also be discussed later.

I know my theory (musical and pedogogical).  I know how to show my students exactly how to create their own interpretations of pieces that they tackle.  I know my flute-related stuff, from hand position to embouchure to finger technique.  I know how to guide someone when they ask me for advice or professional coaching.

But I can't move my stupid fingers anymore, even though I'm barely 42.  I didn't keep going after undergrad.  I hardly play my flute anymore, even though I lust after the older Powells available at flutecenter.com (drool...).

I guess I'll use this blog to tell my story and fan-girl poor @katieflute.  I hope I actually keep up with this throughout my work schedule and ability to balance my life (insert hysterical laughing here).

[Sorry Katie if I'm too drooly.  But you are amazing, and I amamicably jealous of your success even though I don't have the discipline to study and learn music as amazingly well as you do.]